A father with no mother, a database with no interface, a question with no answer

Musings on the many fragmented aspects of my life on the eve of Father’s Day.

It had been a while since I had that feeling. The feeling of deep-rooted agonizing sadness and loss. It hit me this afternoon as Dad and I drove past the hospital on our way home from hauling off limbs downed by this week’s storms. Suddenly it hit me that tomorrow I’d be ‘celebrating’ Fathers Day with my daughter but her mother wouldn’t be there. I’m sure I went though this last year, too, but that was such a short time after the funeral that I was pretty much in a daze back then. And so, as the day went on I started pondering the many fragmented aspects of my life.

I sit here in my recliner in front of the pool table. Yet another fragment — there’s no one to play a game of pool with me. On my left sits a book: Teach Yourself PHP, MySQL, and Apache in 24 Hours which I’ll be power-reading to gather the info I’m going to need to build an online interface to the History Museum’s archives database which is sitting on a memory stick on my left. A lot of things have changed since the last time I did web development. I know exactly what I need to come up with, but am a bit at a loss for getting there from here.

Which is much the same as my predicament with my job. Monday morning the head-hunter in K.C. will be calling back to get my answer for his question “Do you want to move to Kansas City and make 125% your current salary but loose most of your benefits?” I know I need a change-of-pace. My job has been extremely stressful these last few months, and that stress on top of dealing with the grief of loosing my wife and helping my daughter cope with her grief and raising her as a single parent has really been wearing my body down. A few days ago I went and got a hair cut only to have the stylist tell me that I’ve got a nickle-sized bald patch on the back of my head. Apparently now the hair on my scalp has decided it doesn’t want to grown any more than the hair on my face. So I know I need to get a new job and a lower-stress environment. And a big raise to help pay off some bills that are stressing me out would be nice, too. But to pack-up and move to a new city with its enormously higher crime rate, mind numbingly confusing maze of streets and over/under passes, while leaving behind our beautiful home, all of our wonderful friends, the private school Aliyah is so excited about going to kindergarten at this fall, and the church that has helped me grow so much. So I have just over 24 hours to decide whether I want to pursue this or not and to decide if the higher salary and new enironment are going to be able to offset all the stuff we’ll have to leave behind in order to start-over.

On a brighter, note, though. I did get one thing done today. Dad came down this morning with his big pickup and helped me haul off two massive loads of tree limbs to the city’s limb-drop-off site where they make chipped mulch out of all the limbs. And I did get to go see the excellent movie Madagascar with my dauther this evening, so I guess not all was lost of this day.